dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
