matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
