Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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