my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
