Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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