You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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