I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
