Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just want nice things and good sex
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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