no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
