If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
