I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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