it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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