dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
