Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
