I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
