I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
