i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
