So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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