Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
