The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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