i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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