the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
