New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
