The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
