when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
ttyl tear gas
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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