Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i think i have herpe
just one?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
