So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize