From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she told me i tasted like america
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
