The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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