and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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