dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
