She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
