i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize