Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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