A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
