I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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