and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
