I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
