Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
