Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He shit in the fireplace
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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