the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
