They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
