I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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