I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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