do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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