not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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