I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
