if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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