Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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