I want to make a zoo with you.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
