I cannot find my penis.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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