all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
