is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
