Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
