I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
My cat gives me a boner
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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