Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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