Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
