Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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