if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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