dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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