Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
