His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
