If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
